How to be American:


Izar Olivares, Managing Editor

  1. Always remember to zip your costume up completely. No dark skin should be visible
  2. If anyone asks, English is your first and only language.
  3. Don’t dress “culturally”.
  4. Only listen to country music.
  5. Passive-aggressively insult anyone that doesn’t look white. Be careful not to be too direct or else they’ll notice.
  6. Make white friends. This is a must.
  7. Only eat American food (hot dogs, fries, pizza, etc).
  8. Insert yourself into any political conversation, even if you know nothing about politics—they’ll probably believe you if you take it very seriously.
  9. Blame the government for everything.
  10. Complain about wanting change, but never actually do anything about it.